Oh my, how this disease has an evil grimacing smirk. Yes, I thought I knew I had to rest, to take care of myself, to listen to my body. That was all well and good until there was a major crisis in my family. I want to do as much as I am able, I want to be there ... in fact I have been there. It is catching up with me. I haven't been this fatigued since last Fall, truly down, face planting into my bed at the end of the day, sometimes in the middle of the day. Being at the hospital six days a week, worrying, feeling helpless, working, communicating with loved ones. The mental and physical exhaustion harkens back to the early days of my diagnosis (which wasn't that long ago). I knew there may be a day when I felt like this but I wasn't expecting it to be for this reason.
The combination of having my mommy fall critically ill (at a relatively young age), while trying to manage my own health has sent my journey off in a fork in the road. There are so many factors for someone with RA when something like this occurs. Visiting a hospital (those germ infested bastions of healing), while wearing a mask for hours at a time, and having to gown and glove for contact precautions due to an infection that she "picked up" while in the place .... sends my fear of getting sick(er) into outer space ....
Mr. T (social worker) made a strong recommendation to take two days off last weekend .... well, I managed one .... it was that day that really hit me on the head, when I only managed to get up and make a coffee in the morning and a grilled cheese sammy for dinner, that I had flashbacks to my mtx hangovers ... This is really not good, I thought to myself .... With working some and resting some not really panning out, my very concerned Aunt offered to fly me outta here for the long weekend, pretty much forcing me to removed myself and relax. I could never manage the four hour drive there in the shape that I'm in .... you know you're exhausted when you show up at the office with your shirt on inside out and your boss offers to get you a coffee, after he points it out to you!!!!
Then there's the guilt, which I generally try to keep at bay .... but when family is involved, we all know what happens .... Here's hoping one of these days, I'll figure out how to juggle life ...
The Imaginary Friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment